come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
