apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
