I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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