Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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