Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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