got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
