exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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