it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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