probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
