Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
