she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
