so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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