I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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