I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
