saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
