I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
