CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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