I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
