My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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