Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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