No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
