I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
