I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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