there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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