So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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