he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
