Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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