All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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