Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
He passed out mid-signature
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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