Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
