My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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