and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
