she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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