alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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