nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
