this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
