new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
my phone needs a breathalizer
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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