I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
