Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Randomize
