I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
i think i just lost a toe
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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