Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
