someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
