i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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