I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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