Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
