the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
