Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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