Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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