So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
