but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
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