marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You were trust falling into bushes
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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